New Year's Resolution for 2019

No More Surgeries!

As I finish out this very unexpected, difficult and wild year of 2018, I am humbled by my circumstances and by the beautiful village I am privileged to be loved by.  I needed to take a moment to reflect on 2018 and find the New of 2019.  (even if no one reads it) :)

Things I never thought I do in my lifetime....I did in 2018...a few times!

Of all the adventures I could fathom....Craniotomy was not on the list.  I never thought I could encounter such a journey as this. 

What I am grateful for in 2018...

Modern Medicine! I am the recipient of amazing surgeons who gave me their "A" game plus some.  I don't know how I was given such a gift as this, but I will be forever grateful.

Surgeons willing to take risks to give me the best possible quality of life.

My tumor didn't win!A husband who had to climb his own mountains of fear along side of me. His journey while I healed is one not for the faint of heart.  He knew when to share details with me, when to be strong when I couldn't, when to tell me I was beautiful when I wasn't.  He is my greatest blessing.

Daughters who are as strong as I knew they were.  They held me when I needed, cried when they needed and loved bigger than I think they knew they could.  They are brave and strong.  They faced fear head on...twice!

My village.  The love and support I received was life giving and I honestly don't know if I could have made it through without them.  My village was not what I expected and I am forever changed by them.

This journey.  It has changed me in ways only these circumstances could.  I could not conquer fears without something I was absolutely terrified of.  Both times I was rolled away from my family and into the stark, bright, sterile operating room placing my life in the hands of people I barely knew....that moment before falling asleep was the most terrifying moment I've known...twice.  Life will never look the same again.

Recovery.  It's been a long year of tripping, falling, blindness, double vision, black eyes, numb skull, hair loss, hair regrowth, hair loss again, side effects, nerve pain, nerve healing....and hope.  I admire those who live with chronic pain and those who view the world by touch and those who help them feel the world around them.  I have been through a lot but it could have gone such a different way.  I feel blessed (and sometimes a little guilty) for such a wonderful outcome in recovery.

What I look forward to in 2019...

No more craniotomies or titanium.  I'm not sure if there is a scenario that could convince me to have another one.  I think I will live with whatever my outcome is and find life in it.

Be Whole. Getting healthy.  Deeply healthy.  You can't have a year like this (really 2 years from the onset) and not have trauma.  Just because you face fear and get to the other side, doesn't mean you're ok.  It means you survived.  This year I want to be ok. I want to be alive each day. I plan to recover mind, body and soul in 2019.  

Dream. Trauma is paralyzing.  I don't want to be paralyzed.  I want to dream again and let myself chase the future.  When you don't know what