Updated: Oct 11, 2020
I have wanted to put pen to my heart so many times in the last several months, but I keep checking my heart before I do. I'm now coming to the wondering that if we waited until our hearts were just right and grounded, as we think they should be, poetry may never have happened, art never created and stories never told. We would have lost a relatable part of our human experience.
I'm not a poet. I can't write a "roses are red" poem to save my life. So I will spare you my attempts.
I am wondering that we can be deeply grounded and deeply turmoiled at the same time. I have been looking for every other way to manage the things of my heart....podcasts and interviews of others, diving into projects, standing up one time (or two) to an injustice via social media posts, meditating.... Maybe sometimes the heart needs to be heard to find its resolution. If I have learned nothing about myself in 46 years it is this.... Injustice boils within me and writing is a space I have often worked it out.
I am angry.
I am sad.
I am angry often.
I am so disappointed in humanity.
I am broken for our country.
I am continually surprised by the lack of love in people around me...people that once said (or even still say) they love people.
I am overwhelmed by the selfishness of our country and the choice to let it go unchecked.
I despise this "ME" world.
I'm so exhausted with stupid conspiracy theories and my tolerance for the conversations is deeply exhausted.
I'm so very tired of "christians" giving Jesus a terrible name. You make him ugly, violent, intolerant, hypocritical, hateful and racist. If that is your "god" you look just like him.
I'm so tired of people saying they love everyone but have a long list of things you can't be to get that love. "christians" are the leaders in this game. Jesus loved all the "unlovelies" but "christians" love you if it was your past life. For an unconditional love theology, it sure reeks of conditions. And, frankly, I can't keep living up to the rules of what's acceptable anymore. It's exhausting and, honestly, plain cruel. It's so counter Jesus anyway.
I WANT THE NEW NORMAL....not this normal.
I'm tired of balancing the word shame in a white privilege world. We should be deeply ashamed of what we've done (and it is collective). I would one day love to experience "white privilege" as the "privilege" to shut this shit down....to lead our culture in love. I think white privilege should mean "responsibility and reconciliation". But instead, it means "my rights at the cost of my neighbor." That was still too nice...I know...it actually means blindness, self focus, denial, hate, discrimination, greed, excuses.
I keep wanting to find a happy ending and solution to these issues. I'm a problem solver by design. And I think THAT is what leaves me feeling helpless. I can't fix this. If this pandemic has shown me anything, it's that who we are has always been there...we just have permission to let it show now. It's ok now to fight for me alone. It's ok to not consider my neighbor. It's ok to own a firearm simply for the purpose of killing a human (protection or my right...does it matter? That's what its for.) It's ok to hate. It's ok to look out for me even if my neighbor or my friends suffer. It's ok to believe stupid as long as it serves my agenda of "me". It's ok to make money a more important value than life (and you don't have to be pharmaceutical or large corp to show it now....you can just be everyday you and stand on your right for money over the life of me, your neighbor). I'm tired of humanity being ok with hate.
I believe there are humans that love and feel just like I do. I believe there are many of you screaming inside (and out) because you want a new normal. I believe there is kindness, healing and beauty still available to us. I believe we are capable of so much more than this.