The honest truth is that I am tired.
The honest truth is that I am so very tired.
The honest truth is that I am so very tired that I am lost.
Have you ever been so tired?
Has your body been screaming for everything to stop spinning?
Has your soul craved deep silence?
Has your mind been bouncing around its walls like a bouncy house, not knowing how to stick to one spot for longer than a few seconds?
Has your being wanted to just hide so no one could see how little you've been able to tend to your own well-being?
I thought maybe the pandemic would help to slow things down just a bit so we could regain our footing and find our focus. But it didn't.
I thought it would give me time or energy to take time for self-care or to lose the weight I wanted to lose.
I thought brain surgery would force me to pull the ship into the harbor, but I only set anchor for a time.
I keep waiting.
It doesn't come.
Rest, healing, repair, rejuvenation, calming thoughts, groundedness...I keep waiting. I keep waiting. I keep waiting.
When we are in the throws of survival, chasing our dreams and hopes feels like lugging a ball and chain behind you. It doesn't quite feel like freedom prancing through the meadow...like I weirdly imagined. And it comes loaded with every insecurity and mistrust you've ever felt. It comes heightened by adrenal responses and impulsive conclusions. It's high-functioning burnout.
I question daily if I will free myself from the ball and chain. If it would even help.
I question daily if I am my own heavy burden that I cannot escape from.
I question daily if I evolve beyond or if I sink into the weariness of what I've always known.
Change is hard shit.
It is not for the faint of heart and it does not just happen because I'm waiting for it.
Change and evolution of myself births because I choose to conceive it. Once I choose it, I have to align with its flow. I must welcome its kicks, pains, nausea, and imbalance. I can not get to change without this agreement. We have to unite in its journey. Birthing me is a passage of sacred respect for myself and what she is capable of. She will emerge, likely in tears but always in time and always in the beauty that only a mother who conceived her truly sees.
Oh Woman...what you choose to conceive will be beautiful.
May you choose the birth of your soul in a new, much-desired way.
May you form and create the joy you seek.
May you choose to flow from weary into change.
May your soul birth.